Cerabelum Overload

Remembering

2005-05-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

I visited Tristan's grave a week from today. It was hard not to knee beside his grave and not want to cry. I remember standing over it looking down at the freshly layed dirt that coveres him. There was remains of flowers placed with a toy tractor on top of the grave. Mike and Heather haven't been able to afford a head stone, so all that was there was the grave marker. On it was a garden glass dragon fly. It was easy to see that his big sister Lexi had been there. The way things were placed in and around his grave, it gave the feeling of how much his is greatly missed. I worked hard not to cry, I repeatedly looked up and told myself that I wasn't going to cry. I didn't feel like crying infront of my supervisor. It was nice of her to take me out to see him. She as well placed flowers on his grave. We walked around the cementary paying respects to the others that had been layed to rest in that cementary.
We got into the pick up and headed to vistit my parents who live two miles from the cementary. We talked for and hour and then we headed out for home. We were talking not realizing that the radio was out of reach and had lost reception. As we got closer to the Hays radio tower, the radio came back in, it was playing, "My Immortal" The ironic part was that, the night that I got the call that Tristan was in critical condition, I started walking on my tredmill to walk off the anxioty and fear of him dieing, on my radio it played, "My Immortal" by Evanescence. I have always interprited this song when it first came out before all of this happened, as if she had lost someone do to a death. We stopped talking and listened to her sad song of loss. What a moment it was.
>
>How's my marriage Going?
We talk about the weather,
but fall silent with the mention of the days plans.
looking through the window,
we leave seperate,
alone.
our distance speaks louder then our own words.

Random Pick

2005-05-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

Be no more by a storm dismayed,
For by it the full-grown seeds are laid;
And though the tree by its might it shatters,
What then, if thousands of seeds it scattered?

Questions

2005-05-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

If you was given a chance to change something that you regret terribly, would you take that chance, or accept that it was ment to happend, for all things happend for a reason?
"God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars"

To trust that, where does the choice of man begin and the planning of his great power end?
"People do not lack strength, they lack will"

We have free will, as well, he lets things happend. Our journey is already known, so how can it not be a destination?
"Carry your cross patiently and with the perfect submission, and in the end it shall carry you."

Death is like being in the Matrix. In throw the mirror, and never to turn back. The choice of the green pill and the choice of the blue pill, makes sense, to choose a bad choice or to choose a good choice. The outcome is still a mystery.
"If I could only know the heartaches you have felt,
The longing for the things that never came,
I would not misconstrue your errings then
Nor ever blame."

We all run from something. We all have something to hide, we all have something to share. Learning which to come forward with only splits the mind in half, making us feel like we are standing on our head, barking like a dog.
"Life is never so bad at its worst that it is impossible to live; it is never to good at its best that it is easy to live"

Riding on a pogo stick, going up and down, we sin every day, we do right every day, the power of pray, we are forgiven.
"Fret not thyself because of evil men,
neither be envious at the wicked;
for there shall be no reward to the evil man;
the candle of the wicked shall be put out"

Life has it's moments that makes us question what is in store for us in the end. We are taught what is right and what is wrong. When we fall in love, we love in the way that we were loved, in hopes that is better then that of our teachings. What a "Wicked game" in deed, our hearts will be broken in the end of it all. Loved ones die, it comes with the double sided sword of being born. Life's very own metamorphasis phase. We all will bury someone close and loved. We will all be buried ourselves.
"When you were born, you were crying and the people around you were smiling. Live your life so that when you die, everyone around you will be crying and you will be smiling"

Memorized Quote

2005-04-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

"....the innocent see death as a distant abstraction, something that has nothing to do with their real world. Life is in control. Life is orderly, action produces predicable results. When a child dies, that idealism shatters, like Humpty Dumpty, never to be put back together again."

*Judith R. Bernstein Ph. D.
When the Bough Breaks

friday

2005-04-02T17:04:00.001-08:00

talk about a rough day. we tested kids all day and i ran around like a chicken with my head chopped off expecially since i was the one to make sure that everyone got put where they were suppose to go. my feet hurt pretty bad by the end of the day. boy, do we have some behaviors comeing in next year. they are going to be a mess come time for school next year. i never understand why parents don't take parenting classes, read a book, or look up on a web site to get help. all we hear are excuses, excuses, excuses. the poor, middle class, and the wealthy all do it. my job is just a job, not my career, so i am not in much of a mood to go into what i do.
the part that made it a bummer was the terrible time i had sleeping. my husband decided his friends were more important then me by going out with them with out showing respect to me. he knows what time i get home and when i got home, he wasn't there. i respect that we need friends, i feel that a spouse comes first and that he is taking an advantage of me. at times, i feel he also bullies me. i waited around for him for dinner, and he never showed up. i ate without him at the regular time that we eat, and went on to bed. i didn't hear anything from him until acouple of hours when he had been drinking for several hours and he wanted me to come out. having a job is a responsiblity, i told him that i needed to get some sleep since i was testing. needless to say, he came home way late, and then expected me to wake up and talk to him. i love him dearly, but i feel i need to respect myself first, so i had nothing to do with him. it gets close to 4 am and he wakes me up to tell me he can't sleep. which just earked me because he knows that i don't like to be woken up because i have a hard time getting back to sleep. so when i finally did go back to sleep it felt like i had just gotten to sleep when the alarm went off. so i was tired and frusterated with him. my boss has a degree is behavior, so it was nice to talk to someone that could council me on what to do and not to do. later on in the day, just like my boss had said, he would call and play on the guilt. so he calls and he's all sweet and pleasing and playing on the guilt. by the time i got home, i was on sensory overload. he had said he would be home at 6 30, which he was home one hour earlier then that, and that was nice. (once again the guilt was a factor...) fridays are our nights that we go out on a date and spend time with just him and i and no cell phones or friends are invited. he wanted me to go out on the golf course with him. he told me i could peractice my putting. i don't golf. i garden. i only go out on the course to ride around and get outside. him telling me what i was going to do, was not something i was in the mood to tolerate. needless to say, we headed back in from the course and he was mad because i refused to putt. i told him that the day that i putt will be the day he takes an interest in my interest.
all of this behavior is comeing from the repressed anger that i have feeling very controlled, bullied, and lonely. by the end of the evening, he went downstairs in his cave to watch tv and i went and laid down on the bed to cry. i have had so much build up with the depression of my nephew dieing and feeling disconnected from my husband, that i just needed a good cry. having kids now doesn't sound like a solution. they will only strain our marriage. i don't want to be a single mom and married.
he came into the room and we finally started talking. it was one of those times where, he would ask me what was wrong, i would start to tell him and he would turn it to be all about him. which i addressed, he cooled his jets and we compromised. when i first met him, he told me that he goes to church and that couples should eat at the table every night, and none of those things have happened. he repeatedly claimed that those things would change after we were married, and here we are, 7 months and he eats in his cave and i eat at the table alone. there is always an excuse for why we can't go to church as a couple. i feel that those two factors in raising a family are important. he said that he would start going to church and that we would sit at the table for now on. so, i guess, i'll just have to wait and see if he'll stick to what he said. as far as i am concerned, words are cheep, actions are gold, and my husband is no damn leprehcon!! hahaha.

working things out

2005-03-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

today my husband and i ate at our local chinese place. it was the usual stuff, but it made a nice holiday meal. i can't complain, i don't have to do any dishes. this is the weirdest holiday for the both of us. 5 months before we were to get married, his mom caught his dad with another women. our wedding was a disaster with those two. the dad behaved, the mom was emotionally distressed. in november his dad proposed to the other lady, my nephew dies, and then their wedding. by the time easter came, no one is in a holiday mood. his mom calls all of the time wanting to know what his dad is doing, his dad calls wanting to know what his mom is doing, i guess i just don't understand divorce. then again, they were married for 44 years. quite a new environment shock.
while we were eating, my husband asked if i was ready to have kids yet. i know that at 27 yrs my time is running short, and him at 35, i know we aren't exactly youngens, but emotionally, i just don't feel all there to cope with such a life altering situation. my nephew was a big enough life altering situation. i'm at a complete loss with that subject. i work with kids everyday, and i love all of my students, i would adopt any of them in a heart beat, i just don't know if i want my own.
i never understood the idea of "soul mates". when one meets their soulmate, do they know right away, and then do they always end up together? or is there that one bad choice and they don't unite, but they never leave ones mind?

death of my nephew

2005-03-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

opening up to this issue is hard. he has been gone for two months and 8 days. this easter will be the first holiday without him. i feel the depression creaping inside, the disconnection from my husband, the moaning process weighing down on my life. i know i should reach out some how and starting a web page seemed like a quiet release. hopefully, somehow, i am able to gradually learn how to adapt to his sudden death.
i have been reading books. the first one, i just couldn't stop criing through. it ticked me off over and over again and yet it gave me some guide on what to expect. i triied to start a second one and i had to stop. too much too soon.
after the funeral i repeatedly had nightmares of how he died. one i fell in a pond out in the middle of a foggy deserted pond. i felt the gasping, the panic, the fear, and then i saw myself floating. i was dressed in the outfit that i had worn to his funeral. i had worn a black half long sleeves shirt with a black and white stripes on the collar with a small bow with my black pants. my hair was down that day, and there in the pond i floated.
in other dreams i would wake up suddenly because i dreamed that i was falling head first into a whole in the ice of a pond. the vision happened so fast that i would wake up because i had jumped so hard. other times, i just couldn't get my brother's face out of my head. i felt so helpless in not being to help him. he would just sway back and force and utter the words, "my little boy...he was my little boy" as if to be asking god to bring him back. all i could do was hold him and cry. my brother tryed so hard to bring him back to life. the doctor's told him over and over that he and my dad did a good job doing cpr on him, and yet, that alone doesn't heal the loss. the hyperthermia won, and he was gone. i know my nephew did what was best for him. i would just love to have that last chance to hear him say my name in that little 3 yr old way that he did, just to see him, hold him, laugh again the way we did together. such a little man with a big impact.